happieness doesnt exist

cant celibrate christmas but we can go to his sisters for thanksgiving i cant look at holiday stuff in a store i have no freedom i want to cry i really do he says if he lost his voice at least he wouldnt have to talk to me except for id get mad and yell at him to txt me nothing i do is good enough or right nothing i do makes him happy :(

feelings.

i feel like he doesnt care then i do then i feel like hes more interested into another girl then a second later i dont then it seems like he doesnt care then he does i dont know what to think im tired of everyone telling me just go home i know i should but i love him he says he loves me he says he cares about me he says he loves me more than anything i love him i just think he loves his friends more his phone more i know its most likely not true but what about my feelings today at target he asked all his other friends opinions on a baby outfit but not me why doesnt my opinion count. he says im controlling because i want to spend time with him and i dont want him to be texting all the time he says girls sends him dirty pictures but he deletes them because he loves me more than them he held me last night in his arms he spent time with me watched a movie with me so why am i so depressed and un happy why do i have to have to many feelings why do i have to have to many emotions?

so....

this is the hardest thing i will ever have to do... im leaving im going back to washington to be with family and to raise my child alone with there help... its so hard because im stil so in love with tj but i know im loosing him he doesnt want this and ya its my fault ive been wanting him ive been trying to get him to do things and try when he doesnt want to but i need to be happy and do whats right for the baby i guess getting pregnant changed me because ive been wanting more from him ever since i got pregnant and i dont regret any of this i dont regret comming here. im angry at myself for not being better not trying more to make him happy. i feel like my heart is ripped out of my chest im scared about this is it the right decition am i doing what is right? what if im not what if he really does love me and want me and all this. i just dont feel like he does i know hes just scared of it all to but i am to im the one who is going through it alone leaving is the hardest thing i will ever have to do.....

today

my mom helped me with alot of paperwork im so greatful for her she helped take alot of stress off my sholders but now the only thing im worrying about is if ill get the paperwork done in time tj is working over time alot of over time to make shure everything will be ok i feel bad for not getting this done earlier like i said i would, ive been thinking about my dad and what he would do if he was here if he was in this situation but i dont know i just want to cry because im insecure about this stuff im worrried im scared will i make a good mom? i know tj will be a great dad but will i be a good mom what if the child hates me? ive never been here before never accually thought about this stuff and im happy to have tj with me so i ddont have to go through all this alone but i dont know i feel it growing in me because it hurts alot but i wouldnt trade it for anything ever. i wouldnt trade tj for anyone he really is the one i love and the first time i saw him i knew this was the right thing ya we have our hard times but who doesnt he takes care of me he loves me and he keeps me safe .... mom your the best mom ever i wouldnt trade you for anyone else no one could do as much as you do you really are a super mom and your always there to talk to Thank You.

im worried, mom i miss you

im about 7 weeks pregnant and worried scared wish i didnt feel like this tj is working alot more now i feel like were distancing apart but im probably just over thinking it cause we need more money, it just doesnt seem like hes as exited about this baby as i am and it worries me because inside i know hes exited about it i just dont know why i feel like this im so emotional lately and i hate it, i wish my mom was here in north carolina so i wasnt so scared about all this ive never beed to the drs without her and this one comming up on the 7th scares me so much they are taking alot of blood and alot more im worried about any bad news i just need some one very close to be here with me to help me like my mom i miss you so much mom and i love you and you have no idea how much i love you but its millions you mean so much to me, im going to be growing up alot more now since ill be a mom and without you here ill be doing it without you its a first im always hiding behind you having you help me but you cant for the one thing i always imagined you to help with but im glad and scared i know things happen for a reason but i cant wait to go see you after its born that way i can give you a hug and never let go

im so happy!!!

last night tj and i found out im pregnant the dr wants to do an ultra sound july 7th he said im about 8 weeks along but we want to make shure im pregnant cause those tests might have been wrong but were excited about it even though we are working to get me insurance so we dont have to pay all the medical bills but were so excited about this

so we are moved in to our new appartment and we love it im glad to be starting a like with tj we hav our momments but i love him i know i say it alot but i mean it and we are starting our lifes together hopfully soon we will be more than dating lol

may 13th, 2011

today was a good day, looking at furniture and getting ready to move to the new place, tj and i are very exited about this new step. i dont want my family to be mad at me for the desitions i make but its my life and i dont regret anything in my past, someone once told me why regret the past the things/ my actions makes me who i am and it got me thinking that person is write i wouldnt be who i am today if those things didnt happen.

this week...

this week has been a great learning experience for me i have learned alot and i learned my lesson. thank you for the support guys im really happy that you all helped me out and im very greatful at this point i have 4 hours left and one more day im happy that this happend it has taught me so much and on the other hand i wish it didnt happen because my life will never be the same but now it has braught me closer to my family and has shown me who my true friends are and who are not so thank you i love you all

Brandi Hawkins

I LOVE YOU MOMMMY!!!!!!

Happy birthday mommmmmmmy!!! i hope today is a great and magical day for you and i wish i was there i would have made you a cupcake with a candle and sang to you and made u food but ill do it this weekend since ill be with u all weekend and sewing with you im so exited lol i love you christmas was fun exept the few rough parts but those parts we just have to look past see the good thats what you always tell me to do and it works i love you so much and i hope you know that no one will replace you and no one can take me from you im here and yours even if i dont directly live there with you im a phone call away and even i call just to say hi sometimes i love you night

im so happy!!!

today i woke up and it was raining and i did homework and i really think ill pass this year and im exited they said if i pull it off i will graduate next year although it will be hard i have to do 2 years of school in one year and it will be hard but i can do it and today Jacob and i got a new bed it is queen size and a pillow top with memory foam and it is really comfy and tall and i love it it is so much better than the twin we were on that was a pain lol and it was just a spring mattress now we have our bed and i love my pajama bottoms mom got me they r so soft lol i love them plus they look adorable on me cuz they are gray and blue and extreamly soft thank you mommy i love you and im so full lol Jacob took me to carls jr. it was so nummy and filling lol and cheap and now im doing homework and relaxing on our new bed while hes playing his new x-box game hes having alot of fun lol i love seeing him have fun just watching him makes me smile and i love looking into his blue eyes and i love how the little things he does makes me really happy today his mom texted me and it ment alot knowing how much she wants to meet me and im exited but not nearly as exited as her lol well night its time to go nighty night lol